Slowly Drifted

Drifter

Lately, I’d been continuously feeling sorry for myself.  I feel bad for becoming so fed up and persistently being sorry for everything.

Growing up, I thought love was about lifetime responsibility and commitment… at least that’s what I’d been told about.  I’ve let my happiness attached so much on somebody else’s approval that I ended up being a hollow body myself.  Every decision I made is a reflection of ownership but for them, owning me was not enough. It was never enough.

I had no idea how much pain I had inside me. No clue at all. I feel stress and emotionally harassed. I never learned when to speak up; somehow I’ve mastered the art of sobbing so quietly until my lungs give up and my vision started to cut out. Though I have shared some of my deepest wounds and secrets with a couple of friends of mine, I realized that the healing was not going to come from anyone saying they are sorry. The pain, it’s just there every day, it keeps on coming at me so often that it has become one of me already.  Sucks huh?

I know. Believe me, I know.

Xx.

Coffee-flavoured Loneliness

coffee

Yesterday I woke up feeling sicker than I’d ever felt in my entire life. My head hurts sooo bad it felt like Athena was just getting ready to spring out! I was sick. I was, like, seriously sick.

I slept for almost the whole day yesterday, waking up only to drink and eat a little (literally little, since I couldn’t swallow nor taste whatever that food is.) Yup, even my throat was aching. Great.

I’m bored and I’m sick. I’m sick and I’m bored. If that wasn’t the best and the perfect combination, then I don’t know what it is.

I’d really rather be stuck at home by storm than to this, I feel miserable and completely stupid of doing completely nothing for days.

So I’ve reached my limit; I got off my bed, made myself a big cup of coffee(the biggest cup I found on the kitchen I guess.) Grab my laptop, open up my blog and bitch about my current state of sickness a little.

Conclusion for today? An occasional decaf wasn’t oh so bad! I feel so much better after finishing my cup. It wasn’t much but at least, there’s that.

Surely, we all don’t have time to be knocked out by cold and flu don’t we? Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay… wherever you are (right, not funny. Ha.ha – sarcasm – meh.)

Anyways, enjoy the rest of the weekend loves.

-xo

Life Lately

epic

Today, as the cold breeze comes wandering around the house, all from the little rain showered not too long after morning, I finaly find myself in the mood for writing. It’s been ages since the last time I’d been here in my blog and I practically spent half of my Sunday reading and checking all those journal entries my co-bloggers had. Over the last few months, I took a total shut down and tried not to look at my blog.

Fortunately, these past few months had been extremely good for me and I’m pretty much pleased with how things were working on lately.

You see, I got myaelf a new job and it was great! The location was more convenient and my travelling hours would only take an hour or more compared to my former 3-hour commute days on my previous job. Lovely isn’t it?

Reading is probably one of my favorite things in the world and what’s more great about this job is that I get to spend more time on my precious books each day.  I may not be the world’s most phenomenal reader but I do read a lot, like a loooooooooot!

Moving on wasn’t easy but hey, I’m completely satisfied and happy about those past decisions that I’ve made. Personal or professional, there’s nothing to regret.

I still remember those days of feeling miserable in the past. Being in a dysfunctional place was crazy! I remember facing deadlines and having people breathing down my neck. Having my stress level reaching up the roof was madness. That time, I knew I really need to do something about it; Yes I was scared but still, I did it.

Leaving my previous job was not easy. Even when I was dying to leave and move forward with my career, I felt somewhat guilty for those people who are going to suffer on my action but that, my dear friends, didn’t stop me from moving.

So that’s all for today! What a boring entry for a comeback, right? He-he. Sorry about that. I’ll make it up to yah all on my next one. Babush!

Happy Little Pill

Happy-pill

Let’s talk about happiness, shall we? Was there a time in your life when you feel like happiness itself was running away from you?

For me? Yes. A couple of times now, I think. Laughing and giggling had always been my thing in the past. Unfortunately, I had quite forgotten the old and silly me when I started digging into this making-a-living-journey. It was fun. Maybe hard and tiresome sometimes but I love it. (sorta). You do know the things money can give you so yeah, my little happiness started on my first paycheck. I get to buy my favorite books. I get to eat all those expensive foods, etc. It was great, really, until that very moment hit me.

With so much ups and downs; dramas and uncertainties at work, all those pressure seems to dominate each and every day of my life. It was bad, we were miserable.

So there, before I get to kill myself out of stress, I resigned. No doubts, no worries, no hesitation at all. This isn’t about giving up but more on like giving myself another chance to be happy. Eeennkkk, corny.

So here I am, enjoying the life I believe I deserved, for all the hardship and everything. This freedom I am kissing right now was the pill my life was missing. Yep. Definitely.

Mister Lying Bastard with Miss Pretend Innocent Bitch.

Cheater

He’s such an asshole. Like, total.dumb.fucking.ASS!

As much as I hate myself in getting into this kind of gossip, it was just too much!

Seeing that someone proudly stabbing the love of his life in front of everybody was so fucked up. At first it was bearable but each day, that little fucker was overdoing it and it’s making me sick. It even hurts to look at whoever that person is and whoever that other person was.

I ache for those people who are being cheated with. I mean, isn’t it a major disrespect to anyone?

Disgusting, seriously. What a dick.

Xx

Playing the Bad

Let_it_go (1)

“Games, Players, Bad Guys, Good Girls, Winners, Losers.” 

Have you been played by a player before? How was it? Was it bad or was it worst than that?

Tell you what, women these days always find themselves rooting for the bad guy.  Certainly, there are tons of variations when it comes to being bad. Bad meaning bad or bad meaning good or whatever.

A player is a player. He might be able to make your heart flutter but when he does, you have to have him go mental battle with you. Just watch yourself over beacause really, the last thing you want to happen is to fall hard on him. What’s so fucked up about these players is that, they’re breakable and it would take a real special son of a bitch to make them quit. A player always comes with a fatal attraction. Beware!

Unfriend A Friend

Let_it_go

There’s a fine difference between forgetting and moving on with your life. Unfriending a friend doesn’t always mean you are totally burying the memories to grave. Nope, it wasn’t like that at all. Funny thing about friends is that you never forget them. Not the name, not the face and certainly not the memories.

When the time comes and that friend decided to move forward in making a new life, you need to move forward too. It’s going to be hard especially when they’ve played so much special role in your life. 

Let go. Let them work on their own path and walk forward onto yours without them. This may hurt someone but sadly, there’s no other way. You might get ashamed or in denial of the guilt but it will pass. Either way, there are tons of people out there who can offer a much more genuine friendship that you’d never experience.

Cruel, but hurting someone was a part of living. Being inconsiderate was bad, perhaps a little unpleasant but that’s just it. It could be a process of growing and all you have to do is to always remind yourself, things can be out of control and whatever the outcome is, do not regret. As what the journal had printed: “Fate determines who enters your life; your actions decide who stay.” – Unknown.